Inside the Secret Society of Pissedoff Blondes!
by FlowerOfMidnight
Summary: Rachel's hiding something...a secret underground lair complete with huge laser gun, where blondes are being taught to handle weapons and heavy machinery...can she be stopped?
1. Bricks, Blondes and Carrot Cake

WARNING: This fanfiction may contain a plot!

The Animorphs began to come out of Cassie's barn, one at a time, having finished their meeting about the latest mission against the Yeerks.

Unknown to them, their every movement was being watched, by a presence hidden even from Tobias' steely glare. From the bushes it watched as Jake came out, obviously brooding AGAIN. He was closely followed by Marco, who was having a clandestine nose-picking session and nervously scanning round to see if anyone was watching him. Cassie came out soon after with Ax and Rachel, and finally Tobias flew out of the rafters. Cassie was in mid-protesting with Jake.

"We can't just KILL them," she wailed, accidentally treading on a rabbit. "That would be WRONG."

"They're Yeerks, Cassie," said Jake in a bored tone.

Cassie's bottom lip trembled and her eyes began to fill up. "Just because they're Yeerks doesn't mean they're not HUMAN."

There was a long pause as everyone tried to figure out how this worked out biologically.

Cassie tried to explain. "If they came from like, really messed up backgrounds, and some totally messed up parents..."

The hidden presence was growing tired of this conversation. It hadn't sneaked into the meeting for nothing.

A couple of seconds after that there was a SHVOOOM sound, the sort a dart might make if it had been fired through the air.

"OW!" screamed Cassie, clapping her hand to her shoulder. "I'VE BEEN SHOT! LOOK!" She pulled the tiny dart from her shoulder.

A small droplet of blood welled up from the skin. Jake trembled and fainted dead away, closely followed by Marco.

Cassie looked at the blood and ran away bawling into the forest.

That left three people. Ax, Tobias and Rachel.

Rachel grinned, picked up a random brick from the floor and whacked Ax round the head with it.

Okay, two people. Tobias and Rachel.

"Let's do it," said Rachel, managing to sound amazingly like Arnold Schwarznegger. "Now those twits are out of the way. Chloe?"

A pretty blonde girl stepped out from behind a tree, holding a dart gun. "Here Boss."

"Let's do it," Rachel sneered, and morphed to mole.

There was silence, only broken by the small scratching noises as Rachel tried to dig through the soil.

"Um, boss?" asked Chloe.

{Quiet, you fool!} Rachel shouted, and carried on digging unsuccessfully.

Chloe looked across at Tobias, who shrugged. {Want to get a Cinnabon and come back later?}

They did so.

Half an hour later, Rachel was digging at the bottom of her pit.

Which was about six inches deep.

"Um, boss...why don't you just use the secret lift?"

{I – can – do –this!} Rachel panted. {Just – a little longer now!}

"But boss, you're going to ruin your nails."

Mole Rachel looked at her paws. {Fine,} she pouted, morphing back to human. (And completely forgetting that, as she was morphed, her nails would be completely restored anyway.) "We'll do it your way." She leant over and pressed a button on a tree that was cunningly disguised as a leaf. Well, they'd painted it green anyway. "Let's do it!" she said into the little hidden microphone.

The square of earth where Rachel, Tobias and Chloe were standing dropped away and the three plunged deep underground.

Silence reigned.

{What the - ?} wondered Ax, who had woken up about five paragraphs ago.

He shook his head. {I have got to stop drinking.}

A thought occurred. {But I don't even drink!}

Another thought occurred. {I have got to start drinking.}

In the end, he trotted off to find Jake.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Back in Cassie's barn, Jake, Marco, Ax and Cassie were holding an impromptu meeting.

Since it was Ax's idea, they'd brought cinnanbons.

Which was much better than when Jake called a meeting, as Jake always demanded carrot cake.

Why was anybody's guess.

"So let me get this straight," said Jake (Hah! Jake! He's anything but straight...). "Rachel hired someone to shoot Cassie..."

Cassie sniffled, clutching at the plaster on her arm, which she'd taken off a dead mongoose.

"...um, dispose of me and Marco..."

Marco scowled.

"...she knocked Ax out with a brick..."

{It was not a brick. It was merely a dense oblong cube.} Ax put in helpfully.

"...and then she, Tobias and this girl all disappeared underground in a hidden voice-activated lift." Jake frowned.

"Did she have a white cat?" Marco asked.

They all gave him strange looks.

"You know, a fluffy one...?"

{Why should she have a white coloured feline?}

"Well, you know, it just..." He shook his head. "I dunno...it's just something she should, you know...never mind..." he trailed off.

"So what are we going to do?" asked Cassie.

"Eat carrot cake!"

They all turned to Jake and gave him strange looks.

"Ooor...we could just go and try out the lift."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rachel was by that time underground. The lift opened at "Floor 58, Menswear".

Rachel glared at Chloe.

"Wrong button," she mumbled, and they went down to "Floor 59, Top Secret Society of Pissed-Off Blondes Headquarters".

The three got out and yes, a fluffy white cat jumped straight into Rachel's arms, where it proceeded to glare malevolently at Chloe and Tobias in the tradition of evil supervillain's cats.

In deference to tradition however, it had a big pink bow.

And manicured pink-painted claws.

{Get that thing away from me!} Tobias squealed.

"Don't diss Fluffykins!" Rachel growled. "Every supervillain has to have a white cat. It's the ultimate accessory."

Chloe frowned. "What, even Darth Vader? 'Cause he was like, sooo icky."

"But he always wore black. It's a classic look."

"Yeah, but it was ICKY black. And besides, if EVERY supervillain has a white cat, doesn't that make them like, passé?"

Rachel gasped. "You're right!" She dropped Fluffykins, pulled out a mean-lookin' gun and aimed it at the cat, who wisely decided to scarper.

{You could get an iguana} Tobias suggested helpfully, after Rachel had let off a couple of rounds to vent her feelings. {Even Visser Three doesn't have one of those.}

They entered Rachel's lair, which was, in classic evil lair style, a huge underground cavern with hundreds of minions working around a massive laser gun. Except that all the minions were pretty blonde girls dressed in colour-coordinated cheerleading outfits, armed with sharpened pom-poms, and the big gun they were working on was pink.

"Hey girls!" Rachel yelled. "How's the operation going?"  
"Phase One complete and like SO ready!" one replied.

"Excellent," Rachel smirked. "My plans are falling into place..."

{Um, Rachel?}

"Yeah Tobias?"

{Your blondes seem to have...erm...built the gun upside-down...}

* * *

What are Rachel's plans?

Why does Jake like carrot cake?

What will happen to Fluffykins?

Will I stop asking leading questions?

The answer to all of these is no!

Well, apart from the first, second and third question.

To find those you'll have to read the next chapter.


	2. Catchphrases, Cliches and SLASH!

Next chapter here already! I seem to be getting through his fanfic v. quick.  
Which could account for the quality of course.  
Heh :-)  
No disclaimers here. I mean, isn't it obvious I don't write/own Animorphs?  
I just publically humiliate and randomise them on a regular basis.

* * *

Just then as Rachel was glowering and making various threats which seemed to revolve around setting light to her minions' pom-poms and dressing them in tweed, Tobias squawked and flapped a wing at her to be quiet.  
  
Rachel, Tobias and Chloe stood in bemusement as they heard the voices coming down from the top of the lift shaft.  
  
"No! I - just can't do it!"  
  
"You have to Marco! You're the only one who can mimic Rachel properly!"  
  
"I can't say it!"  
  
"Try!"  
  
There was a pause and a small sobbing noise.  
  
"Let's - let's...let's - are you insane?!"  
  
"No Marco! That's your catchphrase!"  
  
"But I JUST CAN'T SAY IT!"  
  
There was another, longer pause. Tobias giggled in thoughtspeak and Rachel hit him.  
  
"Let's - let's do it!" they heard Marco choke out at the top of the lift shaft.  
  
"See, that wasn't so hard."  
  
Rachel, Tobias and Chloe watched as the floor number above the lift began counting down to Floor 59. Rachel scowled.  
  
Jake, Marco, Ax and Cassie stumbled out. Marco had red eyes where he'd obviously been crying.  
  
Cassie frowned. "What the...what is this place? Rachel?"  
  
"It's got to be as big as the Yeerk pool!" Jake said, looking around with that wide-eyed look that always drove Cassie wild...(it made him remind her of a lemur).  
  
"Actually, it was the Yeerk pool!" Chloe said cheerfully. "Or part of it. The Yeerks are making a killing in the real estate market, what with their like massive place, and Rachel managed to get some for free, 'cause she made an offer to Chapman, and he didn't accept, so she gave him a lapdance, and -"  
  
"Shut up!" Rachel hissed, elbowing the surprised blonde.  
  
"EEEEEW!" Marco sniffed. "She gave CHAPMAN a LAPDANCE?"  
  
"Of course I didn't," Rachel said.  
  
"Thank God!"  
  
"I can't lapdance to save my life. I did him a striptease instead."  
  
"EEEEEEEW!" the Animorphs said unanimously, with the exception of Tobias who was fantasising.  
  
"So what is this place anyway?" Jake asked hastily.  
  
"The Top Secret Society of Pissed-Off Blondes," Rachel announced, waving an arm vaguely around. "The Society that fights against unfair and stereotypical blonde jokes. Only," she grinned, "we fight literally. I've taken all psychopathic (yet totally style-conscious and like so preppy) blondes into my army, and am now training them to use weapons, work heavy machinery, and learn the alphabet off by heart."  
  
"That one was haard," Chloe complained.  
  
"Anyways, sorry guys, but I've moved beyond Animorphs now. I'm an evil supervillain! And," she continued, drawing a specially sharpened pom-pom from her pocket, "I'm going to have to feed you to the gerbils."  
  
"Gerbils?"  
  
Chloe shuddered. "Piranhas are just like, so icky."  
  
"Sorry. Bye guys." Rachel pressed a button on the handle of her pom-pom.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
Rachel prodded another button.  
  
"What's - wrong - with this bloody thing? GAAAH!"  
  
"I think you'll find you're just holding it the wrong way round, Boss," Chloe offered helpfully.  
  
{I too agree with Chloe} Ax stated.  
  
The other Animorphs glared at him.  
  
{What? I haven't said anything this chapter!}  
  
"RAAAARGH!!" Rachel roared, and smashed the thing to pieces on the floor. She frowned at the Animorphs. "Well, you may have foiled me this time, Animorphs..."  
  
"Any minute now..." Marco murmured, looking at his watch.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAH{cough}HAHAHAHAH!!!" Rachel laughed manically.  
  
"Yes!" Marco shouted, punching the air and earning him strange looks from the others.  
  
"Just, tie them up, OK?" Rachel gestured to Chloe. "And make sure it's tight. And durable. And colour-coordinated."  
  
So while Chloe was busy tying Jake, Marco, Cassie and Ax up with hair ribbons (albeit steel-reinforced hair ribbons) the four watched as, in one corner, a group of blondes were impaling a test dummy and spraying hairspray into its eyes, another group of blondes who were standing ruefully looking at their forklift trucks which had collided, another group of blondes which were sitting in front of a blackboard, and Rachel, who was shouting at her minions on the laser gun.  
  
"This has to be the weirdest mission we've ever been on," Marco whispered.  
  
"No way!" Jake said. "What about the oatmeal?"  
  
Just then Fluffykins the white cat ran across in front of them, followed by a group of blondes squealing and going "OOOOH!" in the presence of a cute fluffy animal.  
  
Well, a bloody evil cute fluffy animal.  
  
"OOOAARGHGETITOFFME!" one screeched as Fluffykins decided it wasn't all that cute and fluffy, actually.  
  
"I take it back...oatmeal has nothing on this..."  
  
"Hey!" said Cassie. "Isn't that Melissa Chapman?"  
  
Rachel had noticed Melissa too. She ran over and air-kissed her.  
  
Then kissed her on the cheek.  
  
Then Melissa kissed her on the lips.  
  
Soon there was a pretty heavy make-out session going on the floor of the lair, watched by at least twenty blondes (which only adds up to ten brain cells :-) ).  
  
"Heeey," said Jake, a bit slow on the uptake. "Do you think there's something going on between those two?"  
  
"Who'd have guessed?" asked Marco, awed.  
  
"I thought Rachel was going out with Tobias! She never tells me anything!" Cassie pouted, showing disturbingly blonde-like tendencies.  
  
{Nah} said Tobias, appearing beside them. {That was just for show. I really like...} He blushed. {Ax!}  
  
{I love you too Tobias!} Ax squealed.  
  
{Really?}  
  
{Of course honeykins!}  
  
Tobias freed Ax and the two ran off into the crowd, accompanied by yells of "Oh look, a PONY!" from the surrounding blondes.  
  
"Let's get out of here, quick," Marco said.  
  
"Definitely."  
  
"But how?" asked Cassie.  
  
"Heh," Marco smirked, pulling a mobile phone out of his pocket (how, when his hands were tied together I don't know, but he did). "I think I know someone who'd be very interested in this place..."  
  
"Who you gonna call?"  
  
Jake beamed. "GHOSTBUSTERS!!!"  
  
"No Jake, not Ghostbusters."  
  
"Aw," he pouted. "Jerry Springer?"  
  
"No, not Jerry Springer. Although actually..." Marco considered it. "Nah. Not Jerry Springer."  
  
Jake stamped his foot.  
  
"AW! I wanna be on TV! I wanna be on TV!"  
  
"Just let me make the call, will you?"  
  
Jake and Cassie waited while Marco talked on his mobile.  
  
"Hey..." said Cassie to Jake. "There's something I've been wondering about..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"D'ya reckon Rachel knows that laser gun is upside down?"

* * *

Yey! Slash!  
Albeit random humourous slash, but still slash.  
Heh, I just thought of something...but it'll have to wait till next chapter.  
Who is Marco calling?  
Well I know, so :-P. You'll just have to wait.  
Please review! 


	3. Vissers, Victimising, and Passeness

And again! I have a theory that the faster I put new chapters on the more reviews I get...just testing that out...

* * *

"What's the laser gun for?" asked Jake, frowning.

"It doesn't have to be _for_ anything. It's just a thing. You know, like the white cat. You've got to have a laser gun," Marco explained.

"Actually," said Rachel, breaking away from Melissa's passionate embrace, "it's for threatening the world leaders, taking over the world and putting a new order of blondes at the top of the hierarchy."

"Oops, my mistake."

"Yet also a cutting-edge and sophisticated fashion statement."

Marco snorted. "Cutting-edge? _Every_ evil villain has a laser gun!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Like hell!" Rachel bitch-slapped Marco around the cheek.

"You go girl!" Melissa shrieked.

Marco gasped and slapped her back.

"You bitch!" Rachel yelled, and yanked down hard on his hair. Marco stamped on her foot ("That's it! Those were _Prada!_") and things would have probably turned ugly if the two hadn't been distracted by a huge Blade ship landing right next to them.

"Ah," said Marco. "My call got through."

Rachel frowned. "But the only way in here is through the lift!"

"That's what _you_ thought."

"So basically no-one could be bothered to think of a way your person could gain access through the lift."

"Yup."

"So you just exploited a random and continuity-wrecking plothole for the sake of laziness?" Cassie wondered.

"Yep, sounds about right." Marco grinned cheerfully.

{Excuse me? When you're finished? I have been standing here for the last five minutes!}

Visser Three stood leaning against the doorway of the Blade ship, drumming his fingers on the nice paintwork.

"You have _Visser Three's_ number stored on your mobile phone?" exclaimed Jake.

"Why not?"

"Well, you know – erm – it's just – er -," Jake tried to think of a reason, and failed. "I don't know," he said lamely.

{Hello? Waiting here! Time is money you know.}

"Oh, right. Sorry."

{Anyway, I would just like to point out that the role of damn hot and uber-scary supervillain is already taken – and more to the point, copyrighted.} the Visser sniffed.

"Yeah," said Rachel. "But that's okay. The Drode is like, SO into me."

{Not the Drode!}

"Well Crayak doesn't have any lawyers..."

{Not Crayak!}

"Visser One? I thought she was dead?"

{GAH! IT'S ME! ME!} He sniffled and blew his nose. {I mean, how could you think of replacing me? I've been there for you guys. Ever since the first book, I've been there. Chasing you. Attacking you. Forcing you into really disgusting morphs. But do you appreciate it? NO! It's always about the other guys! And now you get some _blonde_ in. It's all about the image, isn't it! I'm just too old now, aren't I! I hit 40, and suddenly none of all that counts.} He burst into tears.

"There there," said Cassie, handing him a tissue. "No-one thinks that..."

{YOU DO! YOU'RE ALL AGAINST ME! NOBODY LOVES ME!}

"I love you!" Jake burst out. The others stared at him and he blushed. "Heheh, oops..."

"But you're so cuuute!" squealed the watching blondes, including Chloe (who kinda disappeared for the last chapter into the fanfiction ethospace...).

The Visser sniffed. "Really?"

"Yeah! Like a PONY!"

{Hmph} Ax pouted from the other end of the hall as he and Tobias trotted towards the Animorphs (Tobias was on Ax's back and Ax was trotting. Tobias wasn't trotting. It would be a lil hard).

{Don't worry Ax} Tobias said gently. {I still think you're cute.}

"So where did you two go anyway?" Marco asked.

{Tobias was riding me!} answered Ax cheerfully.

There was a silence.

{Although, we couldn't get any of the saddles to fit...}

"OH!" Marco exclaimed. "You mean riding like – oh. Haha. I thought...never mind." {Well} said the Visser. {If you still think I'm the supervillain...}

"We do!" said Chloe.

"Like a PONY!" echoed the blondes.

"What is it with blondes and ponies...?" Jake wondered.

Cassie hit him hard, where it hurt (so all that time studying charts of animal anatomy wasn't wasted...) "Don't diss the ponies!" she said angrily.

{And by the way Rachel...} the Visser continued. {I simply LOVE your enormous great big honkin' laser gun. Where did you get it?}

Rachel beamed. {Well, there was this two-for-one sale on in Debenhams...} she began.

"So that's all alright now then. Everyone's happy," Marco said (would you guess?) happily.

"No it's not!" Jake cried. "Me, you and Cassie are still tied up, Visser Three is off discussing laser gun plans and shoe sales with Rachel, and I STILL HAVEN'T HAD ANY CARROT CAKE YET!"

There was stunned silence at this sudden outburst.

"Um, yeah..." Marco answered, "I guess I'd kinda forgotten all that..." He pulled out his phone.

"Who are you calling now?" Cassie asked.

"Wait and see..."

* * *

MUAHAHAH!  
Well if you don't go away in disgust at such an obvious cliffhanger pointedly designed to make you read the next chapter...well please review and in the meantime wait for the next chapter.

I love reviews. I adore reviews. So please review.

Otherwise, may the upside-down pink laser gun zap you and may I unleash the curse of the Evil Undead Masked Biscuit Vampires upon you.


End file.
